How cute were we?

Tripp Lake reminiscing is the only thing making me happy right now, so...I'm doing some. Enjoy the randomness of the pictures.

I can't believe this was 4 years ago. It seems like yesterday. This is me and Lizzy on our Winter Weekend in 2003. I think I had a bit too much fun playing with the contrast and color, but whatevs.


Oh, the video shack. Too many good times were spent in there. One tiny room: me, Chip...now you understand why I got into film, haha.














Me and my favorite boys...Woods 4 boys, that is. I never laugh as hard as I do when I'm singing with Chris J, or being completely ridiculous with Chip...clearly.

I can't freaking wait for CCR: NY!!!!
Wish you could be a part of this, right?....YEAHHHH. Can't wait.

Seriously?

I'm really trying to be positive here...but I'm positive that the world just doesn't want me to be happy anymore. If the world wanted me to be happy, it would have given me something to be happy about by now, don't you think?

This semester has probably been one of the roughest of my entire life (except for maybe the year we moved and my dad moved out).

It all started this summer with a family meltdown, that I don't feel particularly inclined to get into, but it led me to leave home and be homeless.

Until I found this amazing house with these amazing people and this amazing guy who is perfect for me...who conveniently didn't feel the same way. FUN TIMES.

Then, I was thrilled to come back to school and participate in recruitment...my absolute FAVORITE time of year -- and then we had our worst recruitment since rebuilding the house in the early 90s...yes, seriously. So, with house morale down about recruitment, I felt really good about running for VP Recruitment and changing things up.

So, naturally, on the day that my biological little sister tells me she wants to kill herself, my sorority little sister tells me she's going to run against me for VP Recruitment because, naturally, she can do a better job than me...after never being on the recruitment committee. Apparently people felt that way, too, because they just voted her in.

Thanks, Alpha Chi.

And on top of this, all I want to do is be happy. But it just seems like an impossibility. Especially now that I've finished Dr. Quinn I have nothing to do after 2 am. Clearly, my body doesn't let me sleep until at least 4.

Oh, and did I mention that my best friend just told me that he's graduating in May and possibly moving far far away?

I'm beginning to think that God enjoys watching my life as a very sad melodrama. Do you, God? Do you enjoy watching me cry every night??? Because I, for one, am getting pretty sick of it. Just give me some semblance of happiness...seriously, anything would suffice.

I just can't stand it anymore. Please give me something to be happy about.

Back by popular request...

Apparently a month without blogging goes noticed...You think I'm kidding, but seriously...people actually check this thing still. Woo! Go me.

Anyway, this past month has been too packed for my liking. Keeping busy is one thing, but having no time for anything else is quite another. Except for movies, for some reason. I can't get enough of them.

Speaking of which: GO SEE AMERICAN GANGSTER! I don't care who you are or what your favorite type of movie is...it's a classic. It's this side of the 80s "Scarface." Take away the fact that Ridley Scott is my directing idol, and Russell Crowe is my all time favorite actor, and it's still a completely amazing film. In fact, most of my favorite scenes revolve around the devilishly dashing, Denzel Washington. Who else can get away with playing a character who makes friends with Chang Kai Shek and buys straight heroin on a random trip to Bangkok. Meanwhile delivering the line, "Why are they naked?....So they can't steal anything." Explaining a group of naked women making heroin in the projects of Harlem. In fact, Denzel is so fantastic that you even root for him a little bit (what's wrong with rooting for the bad guy?--well nothing, except that Russell Crowe is the gleaming beacon of light as the good guy). I don't want to give away the ending, but let me just say that the scene that finally contains both Denzel and Russell in the same room...well...I want to be part of THAT threesome (DIBS!). Hmm, Ridley you beat me this time!

On another note--I finally finished watching Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman on DVD. All 7 seasons (that's 49 disks AND a made for TV movie)...I started in late June, and just finished two nights ago. No, seriously. 5 months of my life GONE (to Joe Lando, though, so I'm not really complaining). It seems like quite an accomplishment, but now I just don't know what to do with my insomnia habit. When it gets to 2 am I guess I'm going to have to start blogging again instead of popping in a DVD and drifting to sleep watching Jane Seymore and Joe Lando save lives on the Colorado Springs frontier. Perhaps I'll start another series...Six Feet Under is somewhere on my queue I think...maybe Roswell? --or if my mom actually buys me the new ANGEL box set for Hannukah, haha...hmmm.

Oh well. Sorry for the lack of cohesiveness...I'm a bit out of practice. Until later, Lewis: out.

It's getting close....

Only a week and a half until my birthday --- so you know what that means!...I start planning my birthday (it's a big deal...I get an entire month, usually). Yes, I'm turning 20 in glorious white trash style. First, we'll be dining at a classy joint, you may have heard of it: Hooters. Then, we'll be treking to a karaoke bar, where I plan on singing 80s power ballads, and probably a lot of Britney.

So, in honor of my FANTASTIC birthday bash, I thought I should show what inspired me to choose karaoke in the first place. It's a clip from "Keeping the Faith." Enjoy!

Oh the anger!

So, I'm extremely angry right now. I feel like if this had happened to me over the usmmer, I would just be sad...but now I've moved past the year mark, and I'm just angry. And...I wish I could vent about it to this fun little blog, but...I feel like that would be counter productive to my life. So, instead, I'm going to pull a "High Fidelity" and do a top 5 angriest songs list:

5. Limp Bizkit - Break Stuff
4. Unwanted - Avril Lavigne (what?...don't judge me.)
3. Eminem - Kim
2. Godsmack - Awake
1. Bob Dylan - Masters of War (when in doubt: blame it on the man)

Yeah.....those will help. A LOT. That, and probably a very long singing session in the car tomorrow when I wake up.

GRRRR.

Hope this never happens to me.....

Last Friday, Courtney's job gave her a free copy of Knocked Up, and since then...we've watched it...I'm going to approximate...4 times?

I forgot how amazingly funny it actually was, and what made me love Seth Rogen...but really Paul Rudd (let's be honest)

But what's even better than the movie itself are the special features. Honestly, the title screen for the DVD plays a song called "Swing" by Savage, and plays an extended scene of the two of them drunkenly dancing at the club...I swear, we just put the title screen on for about 20 minutes and danced with them (hysterically laughing all the while). Not that this had any profound meaning of my life, or is necessarily blog worthy, but I had not laughed that hard in a REALLY long time. And I've also been bet that next time we go out, I have to do the entire dance sequence...Katherine Heigl style ("He's using the dice too much...it's really all he's got")

Also, check out the "line-o-rama" and the gag reel...because they are equally hilarious. My personal favorite is when the doctor screams at Seth Rogen with "Go to Korea!"

It's inappropriate, it's hilarious--what more could you need?

Definitely invest in a copy of this fantastic DVD! Favorite scene is below:



Now I'm off to a screening of Lars and the Real Girl -- hopefully it'll be equally as entertaining.

Only a bit sad

You know what's sad? ...when you've spent a month working on a song that describes your state of mind, and then you hear one that describes it so much better than you ever could.

My best friend recently burned a CD for me of a new broadway show in previews called, "I Love You Because" My favorite song in the entire show is called, "Alone" and it truly describes my state of mind for the past...I'd say 7 years (no...seriously).

Lyrics, go:

DIANE
Remember that night when I met you, when you both hung out here in the bar?
I said to my friend there I bet you, those two they won't make it very far!
He couldn't discuss any topic...he could've chosen: baseball, football, croquet.
So why'd he have to choose her?
What a lame, pathetic loser.
You don't need him anyway!

Alone you are better off--trust me it's true!
You don't need him there to always care about every little thing that you do.
Alone means that your life plans aren't always set in stone.
Trust me! --you're better off alone...right?

MARCIE
Yeah...Sure!

JEFF
Hey, you ready to go?

DIANE
This is my friend...uhh...Marcie. She's rediscovering single hood!

JEFF
WELCOME BACK! Maybe one night you were thinking, I'll stay in and give nichi a stab. Then again...I could just go out drinking until I puke in the back of a cab!

DIANE
People would say Marcie that's stupid..you are better than that!

JEFF
But hey! --now his opinion doesn't matter, go ahead and do the latter! You don't need him anyway! Alone you do want never what he wants instead--

MARCIE
Not up each night in a stupid fight--when the two of us should both be in bed.

JEFF and DIANE
Alone means you never swoon at the smell of his cologne...Cause that's just stupid...You're better off alone, right?

MARCIE
Yeah...stupid Old Spice!

DIANE
Alright? We're going to get going...good luck!

JEFF
Well, we work in a bar...We're pretty much therapists who ENCOURAGE you to drink!

MARCIE
One day I might land a meeting with a man who takes photos in France. I don't need someone begging and pleading, "Honey, stay and give our love a chance!" I'll go wherever I want to--I won't stay where I don't want to stay. I'll leave tomorrow or whenever, and I might just stay forever--I don't need him anyway!

Alone means I'll never be so blinded by romance. I can act on a whim, not have to check with him...like six or seven months in advance. Alone means I'm never hurt; this is what this night has shown. I think it's clear to see...I'm better off alone.

I need him anyway. More than any man I've ever known...Feeling hurt with him is better than feeling free alone.

God damned musicals. How true you are.

One day soon I will write an upbeat entry...I promise! --and have nothing to do with the male species WHAT SO EVER.

Must have blue eyes and love Star Wars

Let me start off this ever depressing rant with a little anecdote. The other night at an obscenely late hour where NO person should still be awake (except for maybe vampires), my best friend and I were gossiping about our lives (typical), and she told me that our friend [Nick] told her this:

"Did you ever notice how [Mary] is always awkward around me? ...I think it's because gay men are the only people that she can't seduce."

(the names of those parties involved have been changed to protect them...and me, cause...i was gossiping about them)

Then I had this marvelous epiphany about my own love life. My life is just like that -- but the opposite. I'm only awkward around those people that I could possibly seduce--that's why I always end up being in love with unavailable guys. Seriously, lets list it out: gay, 10 years too old for me (30 years, what what!), emotionally unavailable, still in love with their ex, living in a different country, spanish catholic/from an anti-semitic family...the list goes on.

My little sister has had this ridiculous list of requirements that her future has to have (she came up with it when she was about 6 years old). You know, like...he has to be older than me, taller than me, wealthy, want kids, blond hair, no curly hair, etc, etc. I always made fun of her for it, naturally, but now I'm starting to think that maybe if I had a list I could avoid the unavailable ones...Who knows?

So--I spent many a day thinking about my own personal requirements and kept digging myself a more and more ridiculous hole. After going to see The Jane Austen Book Club I realized that I only have to requirements:

1. Must have blue eyes
2. Must love Star Wars

And I'm going to ignore the fact that both of those requirements are present in my own father....maybe I should add a third requirement...Jewish? Have an accent? Oh well, I'll work on it. Anyway, here's my ideal man--too bad he's also unavailable (he's just a fictional character...sad times) Anyone out there in real life like this one? ...Bueller?

Pick Up Your Dancing Shoes!

Nothing to say, particularly, except that he's DREAMY. This album, "Call Me Irresponsible" is definitely his finest, and this happens to be my favorite song. I'd dance ANY day with Michael Buble. Enjoy!

Mad Props: A Tale of The Pickup Artist

Tonight I decided to give myself a night in. I've been spreading myself pretty thin--going out ever night, plus work and class all day long (who has a group project due the third week of classes?).

After seeing the delightful December Boys (which I'll probably talk about later, because...who doesn't want to watch D.Rad have sex on screen...ummm, I do! I do!) Anyway, I came home to curl up in front of some crappy VH1 celebreality and was sorely disappointed to find out that "The Pickup Artist" was on. Now, I love celebreality more than the average person (that MAY be an understatement), but "The Pickup Artist" is not my favorite. I'd only seen it once before tonight, and any show that's hosted by a guy named Mystery is just not alright with me.

Despite my hesitation, I decided to give it a go...they were down to the final three (also, what else is worth watching at midnight on a Thursday night...not much). I immediately developed an attachment to Joe D--a slightly awkward, slightly chubby, awkwardly bleached teddy bear...who just couldn't possibly ever get any game (according to Mystery's definition) cause he's just too nice. The other two, Kosmo and Brady I'd say are at equal medium sleaze levels.

And the goal of tonight's challenge couldn't possibly be any sleazier (or maybe it could..I might just have to watch the finale). Mission: pick up an exotic dancer at a strip club. ...Seriously. Like I had predicted, Joe D. couldn't handle throwing around "playful negs" as Mystery calls them (ex. a girl sits down next to Brady and he says, "Where are all the cute chicks tonight? ...I thought Tuesday was supposed to be a busy day here.") -- If you ask me, it didn't sound too playful, but Brady was the only one who ended up hooking up with an exotic dancer, so I guess it works...for that type of girl (yeah, he brought her out to the limo and the camera had to cut away...you go, Brady!) In fact, Mystery went as far as to say, "MAD PROPS! That's how you pick up an exotic dancer!" ...Obviously Mystery has had MUCH experience in that realm.

In the sad, sad conclusion Joe D. ended up going home. Sad, too--cause he was definitely my favorite. Although, because Mystery's goal is to turn the "Master Pickup Artist" into a master douchebag, I'm glad Joe D. got out when he did. Best of luck to you, Joe!

At the end of the night, I don't know how they did it, but I'm getting pretty excited to watch the finale on Monday. Damn it, celebreality--you've won again! Maybe I'll learn, and next time: I'll go out with my friends.

Censorship my a**!

Last night the telecast of the 39th annual Emmy's aired. Now, I'm a big TV person...in fact, I'm pretty sure I'm one of the only people in the nation who is proud of having watched almost every single one of the shows nominated. (it's a talent, what can I say?).

The show aired on FOX, so naturally I thought we were in for a wild/slightly unprofessional evening (I mean, if Ryan Seacrest is hosting...you know you're in for quite the night). Boy, was I right. The show started off with FOX shamelessly promoting one of its own shows with a musical number by Brian and Stewie Griffin (from Family Guy), along with a hysterical outburst from Jon Stewart and Steven Colbert calling Steve Carrell to accept the Emmy for a missing Ricky Gervais, a win for Al Gore in the "interactive category" (whatever that may be...the man now has an Oscar winning movie, and is responsible for a new category at the Emmys), and starring Jeremy Piven as the butt of every joke...but what annoyed me more than Ryan Seacrest running out in a Mariachi outfit was the constant censorship that accompanied this years awards show.

I understand that sometimes when an overexcited star wins an award, they may blurt out an explotive that may need to be bleeped (aka Katherine Heigl's "holy sh*t" accompanied by, "my mom told me that I didn't have a chance in hell at winning tonight), but what about an entire segment? Apparently the tribute to the Sopranos had to be completely cut to commercial, and only those who attended the Emmys this year truly know why. Is it so wrong as a loyal fan of The Sopranos that I wanted to hear what James Gandolfini and a completely overlooked Edie Falco had to say about their seven season run on HBO? ...I don't think so! Let me hear them, and let them be heard. And if Sally Fields wants to say "goddamned" on live television at 10 pm when her show is already almost soft core porn...don't you think she should be able to?

At least the show didn't censor these amazing moments of the evening:
1. Ryan Seacrest telling Hayden Penetierre that they sat Jeremy Piven on the opposite side of the auditorium because she just turned 18.
2. TR jumping out of his seat to hug and kiss his favorite hag, and new Emmy winner, Katherine Heigl.
3. Brad Garrett telling some scantily clad actress that she just made Charlie Sheen's "to do list"
4. Steven Colbert coming onstage with a leaf blower that was powered by "Al Gore's tears"
5. Terry O'Quinn's rightfully deserved win for best supporting actor in a drama series, and then thanking a teary eyed Michael Emerson, and then commenting on how he'd like to live on Wisteria Lane...and maybe get one of their checks (gotta love those losties)
6. A sing off between Kanye West and Rainn Wilson to "the songs of Kanye West"
7. A stellar duet between Christina Aguilera and Tony Bennett
8. James Spader saying he felt like he just robbed the mob after winning over James Gandolfini for best actor in a drama series.
9. Elaine Stritch being a DRUNKEN fool, and almost flashing the camera.
10. Tony Bennett winning 3 Emmys and looking suprised EVERY single time.

All in all, it was a fantastic evening...but, stop f***ing censoring everyone, FOX!

L'Shana Tova!

Happy New Year!

I'm off to temple in Calabasas for the day...Then going to see Ira&Abby tomorrow. Yay, Jews!

American Gladiators: The Next Generation

I was pretty excited last year when ESPN Classic decided to start showing old episodes of "American Gladiators", so you can only imagine my reaction when I heard that NBC is gearing up to air a retooled incarnation of the show that, as far as I'm concerned, redefined the word "awesome" (hint: I may have peed myself a little).

According to Variety, the new "Gladiators" will be more like the original U.K. version, "which focused even more on the characters and the behind-the-scenes stories of common folk going up against the show's powerful stars." This time around, "players will be given the opportunity to train for their match -- and viewers will be given a glimpse of their personalities prior to the [competition]."

Now, I spent a good part of my childhood ducking behind couches in my buddy's basement while he chucked tennis balls at me (in an attempt to recreate our favorite event, "Assault"), so I have a certain emotional investment in the success of this show. That being said, it seems to me that NBC has the right idea in trying to find a new angle because there is no way that you could recapture the early-90's greatness of "American Gladiators." In fact, I'm pretty sure that show was proof of a higher power because only God could have created such a perfect confluence of mullets, nerf and disturbingly muscular women (except for Lace, who managed to be both a warrior and a lady).

No matter how good or bad the show is, though, there will always be a place on my TiVo for people beating the crap out of each other, and a place in my heart for "American Gladiators," so I'll be watching. Hell, I might even audition. Better break out the spandex...

Source: http://www.variety.com/article/VR1117970702.html?categoryid=14&cs=1

As a bonus, here's a video of one of my favorite gladiators, Malibu, talking about the restorative powers of the sun. Enjoy!

So many exciting things, so little time!

Yes, I've been completely MIA for the past week -- but that is because so many exciting things are happening in the life of Charlotte Lewis.

First, recruitment is finally over. We have an amazing class of new girls who I absolutely love (...and have already started partying with!). But, they're definitely keeping my hands full--not that I mind!

Second, class and work may be legitimately taking over my life...BUT, it led me to meet one of my idols: Josh Schwartz. Yes, at my television symposium none other than Josh Schwartz was the guest lecturer to promote his new shows Gossip Girl and Chuck. Both of which I'm definitely going to watch. Now, Gossip Girl may be so bad that it's good (take Dawson's Creek, One Tree Hill, and the OC and add a little more cheesy soap opera to it...and then you get Gossip Girl), but with Kristen Bell as the narrator and the lovely Penn Badgley starring...you know I'm going to never miss an episode. Also, Chuck was truly entertaining. Take a show like The Office and put it into an ALIAS type spy drama and you get Chuck. Chuck may seem like an ordinary nerd...working at a Best Buy on their technical team...until one day his old college roommate (who happens to be a CIA agent) sends Chuck an email filled with government secrets that imprint themselves onto Chuck's mind...making him invaluable to both the NSA and CIA. Ridiculous, right? Ridiculously AMAZING--that's what I have to say.

Also, Josh Schwartz completely fulfilled my expectations. If his girlfriend weren't so amazingly beautiful I would have stepped in that evening to try and steal him away (damn him, he has his own Summer). But just to give you a feel for the guy's sense of humor, to the question "How do you feel about shows like Laguna Beach, The Hills, and The Real OC ripping off your show?" he replied, "I KNOW, RIGHT? ...where's my check?" I spent a good portion of the lecture in hysterical laughter and with my friends turning to me saying, "OMG, he's your ideal man." ...Also, he's taller than me (SCORE!)

Now, my sorority little sis and grandlittle sis both work for Trojan Vision...a USC owned tv station that actually gets some airplay, and they have their own show. They informed me that they're going to bring Josh Schwartz onto their show, and have me come as well! SCORE!!!...maybe my seduction can finally begin (bring a little Anna into this competition). And, they want me to be a guest blogger for their show's blog and then maybe have me on the show to promote "Scale of Death" -- so how cool is that?

Blogging + Josh Schwartz ... it could be my lucky break!

Well, with that said..this means that I'm going to actually have to blog every day (GASP! -- I know you're excited).

There is more in my life...but perhaps I'll save that for later in the week. Wish me luck in making time for...well...a life.

My reputation precedes me!

So tonight I was informed that during Greek Week this year, one day will be a "World Series of Pop Culture" with each of the houses pairing up and competing.... and I was chosen to be my house's representative!

WOOHOO!

A dream come true. This will be my training for next year's World Series of Pop Culture, which my friends and I are planning on putting a team together for.

This shall be my greatest triumph. I just like that no one asked me; I was told that I was to be the house's representative because ... well, I just KNOW. In fact, yesterday (as a morale booster), we put out paper bags for people to write "I appreciate you.." statements into. I received one that said, "I love how your obsession with television and movies makes me care which celebrity baby is the cutest." Haha, what a compliment.

Hopefully my knowledge will serve me well in a few weeks!

"C" is for...

Tonight I watched a most disturbing movie called London. Now, I'm not really sure why I watched it...because I'm still depressed and I watched it about 2 hours ago. But anyway, the jyst of the story is that Chris Evans found out that Jessica Biel (his girlfriend) was cheating on him on their two year anniversary...therefore, they break up. The movie takes place 6 months past their break-up, and the poor guy is still pining away for her, even though she's clearly moved on..and is in fact moving out of the country (without telling him, no less). ...Whatever, Jessica Biel is a slut no matter what. Anyway, the movie takes place at her going away party where Chris Evans and his drug dealer have a coke party in the bathroom because he's too much of a coward to face talking to her (apparently he let things slide for two months and is scared shitless to talk her).

This scene happens to be one of my favorites. Not that this is a quality movie, by any means, but simply because it's so amazingly ridiculous. I can never get back that hour and a half of my life, but at least I feel better about my own (minus the horrible depressed feeling that followed the end of the film where she leaves to go live with her new boyfriend):



Why, god, why did I watch this movie? I don't know...I'm blaming it on Neosha. But anything where the "c" word is used at every possible moment (a word so offensive that it took me until this year to even be able to say it), is something that is going to leave an impression...that's for sure.

So, Chris Evans: get over it, Jessica Biel: you're a slut, and Jason Stathaim: you're one crazy guy. All in all...I believe it was an evening well spent (or it will at least be well remembered).

Please, Don't Mess This Up!

After 4 years of painfully waiting through a quickie Vegas wedding,a disastrously tacky marriage to a backup dancer, two children, an affair with the manny, divorce, partying with Paris Hilton, a mental breakdown, and then rehab -- it looks as if Britney may FINALLY be getting her shit back together.

No, seriously!

Her song, "Gimme More," has been getting rave reviews. After debuting on the radio on Thursday afternoon, by Friday morning it was the most circulated song on the radio and #80 on the pop charts. ...and I may have a copy of it on my itunes, and I haven't stopped shaking my ass to it all damn week! --it's addicting.

Not only this, but my girl Brit has actually been showing up to her scheduled venues to promote the record! Last night she made an appearance at LAX and she's scheduled to make a "suprise" appearance at the VMAs this Sunday--which is apparently why she's being galavanting all over town with creepy magician, Criss Angel (here's to hoping this performance is as good as her 2000 "Satisfaction/Oops...I Did It Again" striptease!). And fun fact about Criss Angel: he got his start doing magic tricks for me and my sister in our backyard when we were about 7 and 10 years old respectively (why couldn't my dad have managed him when he was going to become famous?)

Anyway, Britney, if you're out there and happen to stumble upon the scale of death...please, know that I'm here WATCHING YOU! And I've been waiting too long for you to disappoint me again. This is the final chance; if you blow it, I'm gone. I think I may be your only fan at this point in time, but I have faith in you!

Now that I've said this, she'll probably end up back in rehab or married to another loser next week, but here's to hoping. Cheers.

Things I shouldn't be thinking about yet

One of my best friends is getting married in less than a year. In fact, she received her proposal over this past summer, and she's just a junior. Anyway, tonight, I was looking at dresses on JCrew.com and found the most amazing brides maid dress...naturally, I called her into the room and asked her if she had begun looking yet, which she hadn't--I may have picked it out for her inadvertently, oh dear.

So, one thing led to another, and now here I am thinking about the songs that I want played at my wedding. Top 10 love songs of all time...GO:

1. Have a Little Faith In Me - John Hiatt
2. Amazed - Paul McCartney
3. Wonderful Tonight - Eric Clapton
4. She's Got A Way - Billy Joel
5. More Than Words - Extreme
6. At Last - Etta James
7. The Way You Look Tonight - Frank Sinatra
8. L-O-V-E or Everything - Michael Buble (I couldn't decide; I love him too much)
9. Night and Day - Cole Porter
10. Your Song - Elton John

Cheers to being engaged and underage, and hopefully she uses my wedding playlist...which I believe to be pretty damn effective. I'm crying just thinking about how much these songs make me wish I were in love. ...Oh, well.

Score 1 for Dr. Quinn!

It was just released tonight that none other than Jane Seymore will be a contestant on ABC's popular show Dancing With The Stars this fall.

Can I just first say: the woman is 56 and is still smoking hot. I bet even Joe Lando (yes, the man who played Sully) would still do her. I think I may even watch the show this season.

I have nothing else to say except--good luck, Jane--I'll be voting for you!

(also in the lineup was Mel B., Mark Cuban, Jennie Garth, Marie Osmond, and Wayne Newton)

I Like It Hot

This semester, I'm finally taking my first film class at USC (I'm currently applying to be a cinema-television minor, wish me luck)...and let me tell you, I was really excited. My first day in discussion we went around the table and were asked, "If your life were a movie, what genre of film would it be and who would star as you?" -- Now, I know exactly what genre my life would be (I talk about it constantly), but I had never put any thought into who would star as me! - shocking, right? Anyway...I kind of crumble under pressure so I answered Reese Witherspoon would play me in a musical. Yes, my life would be a musical...but Reese? Such a cop out answer.

So, today...my first day of lecture, we watched the amazing "Some Like It Hot." Now, I'd like to pride myself for being quite the movie aficionado, but I'll admit this was the first time that I'd ever seen the movie. In fact, the more into the film we got, I realized that I've spent very little time watching anything starring Marilyn Monroe. And I still can't quite figure out why.

If my life were to be a movie, I can honestly say that I'd like Marilyn Monroe to play the lead. Not only does the woman exude sex, but she stays classy, poised, and charismatic the entire way through. Now, I'm not comparing myself physically to Marilyn in anyway (although after I buy myself a new nose and rack, I will be infinitely closer), but disposition wise...I really admire her. I feel that I share a lot of her stage presence and leadership abilities (minus the troubled family life, foster parents, married not once, not twice, but THREE times, and the tragic suicide story).

Ok, so maybe we don't have that much in common...but really...get a load of her:



So, watch out cause I'm about one step away from bleaching my hair and chopping it off ;) But, I just can't help it...move over Reese, I think I found a new idol.

Wrong Answer

I’m sure that everyone expects me to make fun of Lauren Caitlin Upton (a.k.a. Miss South Carolina) who, in response to a question about why 1/5 of Americans can’t point out their own country on a map at the Miss Teen USA pageant on Friday, gave a rambling, confused non-answer that inexplicably linked the American educational system and South Africa. I’m NOT going to make fun of her, though, for two reasons: First, because every blogger and talk radio host in this country already has (mercilessly) and, second, because she never did anything, as far as I can tell, to deserve being picked on.

Look, I have no problem making fun of politicians who give the cameras big, empty smiles on their way to the soulless middle ground or self-involved celebrities who contribute less than nothing to society, yet somehow manage to profit off of their own notoriety, but this is just a teenage girl in a beauty pageant. And yes, I know that she put herself on that stage, but come on – this was probably the biggest thing that will ever happen to her, and she blew it (on national television, no less). Have some compassion.

I will, however, make fun of the people who really deserve it here. For starters, her parents, who were clearly more concerned with their daughter showing all of her teeth when she smiles than learning actual skills she can use after her pageant career is finished (tomorrow). Or all the losers who, in the past few days, have boldly (and anonymously) declared in countless chat-rooms that they will teach her to read a map if they can see her boobs, despite the fact that they have never seen an actual breast and never will as long they continue to live in their parents’ basements. Or Mario Lopez, who has been reduced to hosting the Miss Teen USA pageant (sorry, Slater). And – while I can’t bring myself to believe that this country won't pony up enough money to teach its children to point to their house on an atlas when it spends billions of dollars forcing its will on the rest of the world – if the 1/5 of Americans thing is true, that’s pretty fucking sad too.

So let’s lay off the blonde jokes and take this for what it is – a sad commentary on the direction in which we, as Americans, are headed. Especially Slater.

P.S. Lauren, if you want to thank me personally for defending you, my email is andrew.migdail@gmail.com. Hit me up, girl.



Sources: http://www.tmz.com/2007/08/27/miss-teen-usa-hopeful-say-what

A sad day for anyone who ever wanted to go into television...

Everybody's favorite ex-husband has landed himself a big break...Yes, Kevin Federline will in fact have a recurring guest role on the CW's show One Tree Hill. In fact, Federline was spotted in Wilmington, NC where the show is filmed all of last week, and rumors have it that he will be back in the near future to film the rest of his character's story arc, who is said to be a "cocky, enigmatic frontman for a rock band" ...perhaps someone to tempt Peyton away from Lucas AGAIN this season?

This leads me to two conclusions:

1. We live in a sad sad world where a man who has no other accomplishments in life other than being Britney Spears' ex-husband gets to be on television. Albeit, I'm rooting for Kevin more than Britney now a days, and yes, the man may have started out as a backup dancer, but he's now living the freaking American Dream. I mean...how much does he get in weekly allowance from Britney (despite the fact that the man has 5 illegitimate children floating around Hollywood). But, seriously America? -- why would cast Kevin Federline? Is he really going to get you more audiences...I don't think so.

Which brings me to...
2. How desperate are the CW and One Tree Hill to cast KFed in the first place? It saddens me greatly that one of my favorite shows has been run into the ground by the dissolution of the WB (my favorite network, yes...I'm a teeny bopper, ok?).

Sad times. But oddly entertaining. Also, I'm still going to watch the show, so, there's that. Sorry Tyler Hilton, you've been replaced.

http://www.people.com/people/article/0,,20053263,00.html

5 Things That Annoy Me...

1. Friends who get mad at you and won't tell you why - I mean, this one is just absolutely ridiculous. If I did something to make you mad, just tell me ... please don't go around avoiding me and not talking to me. It makes it especially awkward when you live in the same house (or even the same room). Seriously, be a big girl and tell me what I did to anger you -- I can take it. And it sure as hell beats being in uncomfortable silence for an entire day...in my own bedroom.

2. The financial aid office - seriously, you're already controlling my fate...do you have to be a bitch when giving me bad news? It's really just unfair. How am I supposed to miraculously come up with the $13,000 that your financial aid doesn't cover??? Didn't you read my FAFSA...I can't afford that shit. And now this is me looking forward to the two jobs I'm going to need to get to keep myself in school. Lovely.

3. People who constantly click their pens - it's just an annoying noise. Truly. There are other people in the room who perhaps are too ADD to focus when you do that. Honestly, maybe it's that I can't pay attention to one thing at a time (says the girl who watches TV while surfing the internet and talking on AIM simultaneously) -- but really, the pen clicking is too obnoxious for my poor ears.

4. Couples who strongly believe in PDA - is it not bad enough that you're in a happy relationship while I'm bitterly single, but now I have to watch you flaunt it? No one wants to see you stick your tongue down your boyfriend's throat...I mean, I have no problem with adorable hand holding or even some snuggling, but when I walk out of the room for 2 seconds and then come back to you giving your boyfriend a lap dance on my couch...I tend to go a little crazy.

5. Singing the wrong lyrics - if you don't know the lyrics, let the iPod sing it without you. Learn the words before you sing along. Lyrics are readily available through a thing I like to call "the internet." Don't make excuses, either...if you're just learning a song for the first time, sing through it a few times on your own -- not in my car, please. It's distracting, and G-d knows I don't want to be in any other accidents. This one I will actually blame on you. I don't know what it is about this one, but it really gets me for some reason.

The man, the legend...Zac Efron?

Now, I'm not one to brag BUT...I've been a fan of the lovely Zac Efron since he was on the horrible WB show, Summerland in 2004.

Now, all of a sudden, the boy is EVERYWHERE. I can't go outside without seeing a poster of Zac freaking Efron -- not that I'm complaining, or anything. Seriously, this boy wonder can do no wrong. Also--he's dreamy.

After finishing Summerland he moved straight onto High School Musical, the surprise made for TV hit which won 2 Emmy's and whose soundtrack broke Billboard records right and left. But did you know: Zac Efron was originally slated to play supporting role, Chad and Drew Seeley was to play the lead, Troy Bolton. Scheduling conflicts prevented Drew from participating even though he recorded most of the songs. Lucky break, Zac Efron...lucky break.

Now, he's Hollywood's new John Travolta (probably closeted gay and all). He's already been in a remake of one of my favorite musicals, Hairspray (yes, Zac Efron IS the ladie's choice) and has been signed to star as Ren in a remake of Footloose. Seriously, what's next?

So, I tried to look for the clip from High School Musical 2 that would explain the drama that surround him (love triangle with onscreen girlfriend Vanessa Hudgens and secondary star and love of my life Ashley Tisdale), but what I found was SO much better than that clip could ever be.

In fact, I just outed Zac Efron with these two clips:

1.


2.


Turns out Ashley should be the love of my life (cause she IS me), notice all the gay men she's surrounded herself with? Yeah...I thought so.

So, he may be gay -- but at least he's pretty!. Zac Efron: here's to you!

Do you know who I am??

Monday night was a very big night for me. I had my first trip to the hospital, my first head CT and my first concussion. It was also the first time that I realized it is possible to talk your way to the top...or at least ahead of the diabetic guy whose toes were falling off. After my friends got me in to see the actual doctor )I was too tired and out of it to do much) that's where the fun really began. The asian lady in the bed next to me had been in some sort of a car accident but she didn't speak much english and kept saying she was hit by a train. There was also the pregnant lady who came in with contractions and was whisked off by the freaked out ER nurses to wherever it is that babies come from. I also really liked the homeless man who stared at my friend and didn't blink for about four minutes-he was pretty cool. But the best thing about my hospital visit was convincing the guy who wheeled me up to radiology that I was on MTV. Here is essentially how the conversation went...:

Caitlin: How long is this going to take?? Don't you know who she is?? Do you watch MTV?

Radilogy man: No....i play video games

Caitlin: well they are making a game based on her. you should check it out.

Radiology man: you don't have to wait when you go in now...

That man was great. Not very intelligent but pretty cool. also i got some banging hospital socks with the rubber treads on the bottom so i couldn't slide around the hostpital and knock myself out again. Way to go Good Sam, keeping me safe.

Christopher Walken cooks a chicken

So I realize I haven't posted anything in a while. It's not because there's nothing to post -- there probably is, I've just been too tired/lazy to look for it. Sorry. In lieu of actual blogging, here's Christopher Walken cooking a chicken. Enjoy!

Prerecruitment: Get down and break a sweat!!!!

For the past week, my life has been a strange blur of song and dance rehearsals. People who don't go to the University of Southern California, or are completely removed from the Greek community, for that matter, stare at me blankly as try and explain what we actually do during prerecruitment. In fact, there's no real way to explain it in terms that would mean anything to anyone. You really have to see me in action out on the front lawn with my megaphone screaming, "WHERE ARE THOSE SMILES?," "LOUDER!," and "ONE MORE TIME!" to truly understand the extent of the craziness that goes into preparing for fall sorority recruitment at USC. As one of my friends says, "...it's different." And, oh, ... it is.

I feel like this music video will give further insight into my life to anyone who has been wondering about where I've disappeared to this past week. ...also, it makes me happy.



Now if only I could look like Kelly while I do my own dances...my life would be complete.

YOU WANNA GO A-CHI-O! (yeah, i just plugged my sorority on a blog...and I'm in no way ashamed of that).

Heidi Fleiss, Jenna Jameson endorse Hillary Clinton; somewhere, Bill's knees are knockin'

It would seem, according to the Internet, that both Heidi Fleiss (former "Hollywood Madam" and current owner of a laundromat somewhere in rural Nevada) and Jenna Jameson (every 13-year old boy's first sexual experience) have come out in the last few months in favor of Hillary Clinton in the upcoming presidential race.

Said Fleiss, who is apparently a politico because she aspires to open a brothel in Nevada called "The White House" (I'm sure Bill will feel right at home), "I'm a big fan of Hillary's. Any woman who's smart, how can you not be? Even if you're a Republican, if you're a woman and you're smart, you have to respect her."

Jameson, in an interview with PR.com whose topics ranged from the possibility of motherhood (let's hope she keeps a therapist on retainer for when that kid discovers Google) to the benefits of natural vs. fake breasts, said that having a woman president "would be a step in the right direction for our country" and also suggested, in a classic instance of stating the obvious, that "the Clinton administration was the best years for the adult industry."

Despite the facetious declaration on CNN.com -- which carried the Heidi Fleiss story on its "Political Ticker" -- that the former madam's endorsement "might not be greeted with open arms", I cannot think of a less relevant piece of non-news. Everybody already knows that the Democrats are backed by degenerates and terrorists (we put the "party" back in "political party"), so I'm not really sure what the big deal is. In fact, what confuses me most about this story is why Heidi Fleiss and Jenna Jameson -- two women who, at one point or another, have given blowjobs for a living -- were being interviewed about their political views in the first place, and how this made it onto CNN.com. I can kind of understand the "Political Notebook" of the Las Vegas Review Journal, but CNN? Really?

Look, I like porn stars and prostitutes just as much as the next guy, but are we really that starved for stories about the 2008 presidential race that this is what we have to resort to? Is there nothing else going on in the world? Some kind of war, perhaps, where there have been 3,700 American casualties in the last four years?

No? Okay -- just checking.

Sources:
http://www.pr.com/article/1066
http://www.cnn.com/2007/POLITICS/08/20/clinton.madam.endorsement/index.html
http://icasualties.org/oif/
http://www.lvrj.com/news/9255101.html

A Quick Party Playlist

Well, it's the end of a long, action-packed summer in Los Angeles and I'm headed back to school this week, which means that it's time to start getting ready to party. It also happens to be my senior year, which means that we are going to burn a motherfucker down. So, in honor of trying to solve life's problems by drinking your weight in box wine and cheap beer, here's a quick party playlist to get you started on the road to bad decisions:

1) Poison - Nothing But a Good Time: I know that I make a lot of fun of Bret Michaels (because, frankly, he's a ridiculous person who says things like "rock n roll is an insatiable bitch goddess"), but the king of soft-core metal has the right idea here. Bret gets extra credit for being diabetic and still partying like a rock star, as evidenced by his star turn on my favorite reality show, "Rock of Love." Low blood sugar can't stop this musical dynamo...but it can make his foot fall off.

2) Prince - Kiss/Raspberry Beret: I couldn't decide which of these two I liked better, so I put them both on the list. That being said, pretty much everything Prince does drips sex (and not "Sex and the City" sex, but dirty, nasty, baby-making sex), so I'm pretty sure that if you played more than one song of his, your party would turn into an orgy. Guess that's how they do in Minnesota...

3) Justin Timberlake - Lovestoned: As much as I hate to say that I'm a JT fan, it seems like the guy can do nothing wrong lately. Who knew five years ago that getting dumped by Britney Spears would be the greatest thing that ever happened to him? Not you, because you thought she was hot and he was kind of gay. Don't lie to me.

4) Young Jeezy ft. R. Kelly - Go Getta/R. Kelly - Ignition: How much do I love R. Kelly? So much that I'd let him pee on my sister (although she's pushing 18, so she might be a little too old/legal for my boy Kels). "Ignition" is a great non-stop innuendo-fest (the opening line is "Girl, please, let me stick my key in your ignition, babe" and it only gets better from there) but "Go Getta" is the more crunk-tastic of the two.

5) Timbaland ft. Keri Hilson - The Way I Are: I thought this was just a sweet song about loving somebody for their inner beauty until I found out that the chorus was about stripping. Still, I like this jam so much that I'm willing to overlook its grammatical incorrectness, which is saying a lot because I'm a nerd. Just for the record, though, I'm pretty sure that Timbaland has a hell of a lot more money than I do, and he could probably buy you flowers if he really wanted to. Sorry, Tim.

A Public Service Announcement from The Scale of Death!!!!!!: Put your shirt on. Seriously. It's gross.

I guess this is what I get for going to the gym at one in the morning, but I'm sitting down to do some incline bench tonight and I look over and standing there, flexing in the mirror (I kid you not) is a sweaty, shirtless dude. Now, this guy wasn't Jabba the Hutt or anything, but he wasn't exactly an Abercrombie model either, and I'm not sure who he was trying to impress since he was there with his girlfriend, who I'm assuming has already seen and come to terms with his flabby body. I normally find it kind of obnoxious when guys go running without shirts, but I can kind of understand if it's hot outside and hey, if you spend a lot of time working on your body, you might as well show it off (if you don't, though, please put it away). But there is no excuse for being half-naked in the gym -- that's downright unsanitary. I was thinking about going over and taking my shirt off to shame him, but I was too busy doing clap push-ups. That's right, regular push-ups are too easy for me. What now?

So please, overweight, sweaty guys, wear a shirt -- no one wants to see your fat rolls jiggle in the wind, or rub up against a piece of equipment that was just covered in your soaking torso. Same goes for women in sports bras -- if you're going to do it, make sure you've got the goods to back it up (in which case, it is highly encouraged).

The more you know...

Most Depressing Things I Could Possibly Think Of...

Most depressing scene from a movie ever:



It really just hurts me to see Hugh Dancy is such pain...but...I'm right there with him. When I saw this movie for the first time, I thought the writers were personally attacking me. It still kind of stings when I think about it.

Top 5 Most Depressing Songs:

1. REM - Everybody Hurts
"Sometimes everything is wrong. Now it's time to sing along
When your day is night alone."
2. Azure Ray - Displaced
"Am i making something worthwhile out of this place
Am i making something worthwhile out of this chase
I am displaced"
3. Bill Joel - And So It Goes
"So I would choose to be with you
That's if the choice were mine to make
But you can make decisions too
And you can have this heart to break
4. Imogen Heap - Goodnight and Go
"Why'd you have to be so cute
It's impossible to ignore you
Must you make me laugh so much
It's bad enough we get along so well"
5. Guster - Either Way
"You were almost kind, you were almost true
Don't let me see that other side of you
You have learned in time that you must be cruel
I'll have to wait to get the best of you"

Alright, so...they're all pretty much about unrequited love, but...I'm going to throw this out there: that can be pretty depressing, no? Story of my life. Damn it. Now I'm all sad.

But seriously, sometimes you just need to be a little bit depressed, though. And I believe that these 5 songs and that one movie clip could be your savior (or your deep plummet into melancholy...either one). And at least we know what unrequited love is good for--writing amazing songs (and I suppose drunken confessions). Take it from a heartbroken songwriter, I have about two great songs just from these past three months alone (and probably more drunken confessions that I can count). I mean, look at Adam Levine from Maroon 5 -- he's still writing songs about his ex, even after writing an entire album of songs about her. Some people just take their time in getting over it...which I suppose is fine, because I happen to be one of those people.

And on a happier note: ...I'm two songs closer to finishing my album and am really in love with Hugh Dancy?...nope, I've got nothing.

"Superbad": Kind of underwhelming, just like my life

Yesterday was a long day. I woke up early to take my car in for service and learned that, for reasons I won’t bore you with, I have to take it back on Monday. I spent the better part of my morning and early afternoon waiting for the paltry stipend I earned from my 50-hour-per-week internship ($10 a day, or $350 for the whole summer) and getting jerked around about when I could pick it up. Then my friend and I decided to see Superbad, which looked hilarious and sounded – from the unequivocal praise of critics and friends who saw early screenings – even funnier. So we rushed home from dinner, got on the computer and found exactly one showing before midnight that wasn’t sold out. We had half an hour to get to Hollywood, and I like to think that we might have made it before the previews were over if we hadn’t hit a Sobriety Checkpoint, which I had never even heard of before but is apparently when the police slow traffic down to a crawl on one of the city’s busiest streets to randomly pull people out of their cars and make them jump on one foot or something (fortunately, they just waved us through, but the old Asian man in front of us got the whole business). By the time we got through the fender-bender traffic on Hollywood Boulevard (after missing a turn), the movie had been running for about forty minutes. Oh yeah, and I’m pretty sure that sometime during all of this (although I didn’t really bother to ask), my ex-girlfriend was picking her new boyfriend up from the airport because he’s visiting her for the weekend, which is fantastic (I mean, I’m happy for her, but still…)

All of which is to say that, by the time that we walked in to the 12:30 AM showing of Superbad (the girl at the box office was nice enough to transfer the tickets that we bought online), I was: A) exhausted, B) in a terrible, angry mood and C) in desperate need of the funniest movie ever. But that’s the thing about expectations, as the hapless heroes of Superbad learn over the course of the movie – they are made to be broken. That’s not to say that Superbad isn’t good – it is, and I definitely recommend to anyone who doesn’t have a delicate sensibility (the jokes tend to be a little on the crude side). But here’s the dirty secret: It’s not as uproariously funny as everyone would have you believe. Certainly, there are plenty of laugh-out-loud moments, most of them having to do with the male organ (although one of the movie’s funniest, and most cringe-inducing, sequences has to do with the equipment of the fairer sex), but more than anything, Superbad is cute. Oh yeah, and about 30 minutes too long.

In the film, Evan (Michael Cera) and Seth (Jonah Hill) are two high school outcasts on the verge of graduation and separation, having gotten into different colleges. In a last-ditch effort to salvage their high school careers, they – along with sublimely nerdy third-wheel Fogell (Christopher Mintz-Plasse), whose fake ID lists his name as simply “McLovin” – go through ridiculous obstacles, including a liquor store robbery, two wildly incompetent cops, and the perils of public transportation, to obtain alcohol for a party in hopes that it will make the girls they like have sex with them. When they finally succeed, though, they find out that the greatest night of their lives isn’t exactly what they’d bargained for, and that true friendship isn’t something that should be taken for granted. Like I said: cute.

Ultimately, Superbad is much closer to Freaks and Geeks than, say, Anchorman, on the Judd Apatow scale of comedy. It probably isn’t quite as giggle-inducing, nor as eminently quotable as the latter (although there are a few lines that will no doubt live on in frat houses across the country for years to come), but it is much smarter and more genuine. As funny as it often is, Superbad takes its characters seriously, and deals with their insecurities and confusion with sympathy, if not always grace. If you’re expecting to be blown away, you might be in for a disappointment. But if you’re looking for a sincere comedy with some big laughs and an even bigger heart, Superbad is the place to be. Just watch out for Sobriety Checkpoints…

Question of the Day: Batman vs. Superman?

So, today during our prerecruitment morale break, we decided to play "Would you rather?" --- and here came the question that I couldn't answer:

If Batman and Superman got into a fight...who would win?

Here are the facts:

Batman
- normal guy with expert knowledge of martial arts of all kinds
- extremely wealthy
- 6'2" and 215 lbs
- played by Michael Keaton, Val Kilmer, George Clooney, and Christian Bale
- 20/20 vision
- proactive, at least 2 steps ahead of opponent
- vulnerability: picture of his parents (his anger/sadness?)
- good with the ladies...

Superman
- alien with superpowers, but nerdy guy by day
- 6'3" and 225 lbs
- played by Christopher Reeves and Brandon Routh (and I guess you can count Tom Welling)
- unlimited x-ray vision
- reactive to the situation....but not proactive in defense
- vulnerability: kryptonite
- not so good with the ladies...in fact, he can only hook up with Lois Lane when he's in his Superman gear (get some balls, Clark)

All these facts together lead me to the long winded conclusion that although I secretly in my heart wish that Batman could win this fight...I'm pretty sure Superman would prevail. As my friend Jenna says, Bruce Wayne has the wealth and technological resources to procure some sort of kryptonite...but, he's classy, and wouldn't fight dirty.

I'm inclined to agree.

Kudos, Superman. You win this time.

The Grove: Haven For Celebrities

What is it about The Grove that celebrities flock to? Seriously, I think almost every time I've gone to a movie, or out to dinner, I've run into one of my favorite celebrities.

Could it be the "Disneyland for adults" feel of the cheesy cover bands and light up fountains? Or is it the delicious and diverse farmer's market that keeps them there? ...I'm not quite sure...but I'm not complaining.

In the past week, I have run into two of my favorite celebrities: Paul Rudd and Dominic Monaghan. Anyway, upon seeing these two celebrities, I realized that I'm the most star struck person in the entire world, and should probably NOT go into the entertainment industry (guess that makes my Comm with an entertainment industry emphasis useless...).

Ok, so I was on the phone when I almost crashed into Paul Rudd, but I could literally do nothing but stare. The man has some beautiful hair, I'm not going to lie. And then, when I saw Dominic, I wasn't completely sure, so I turned to the girl I was with--GRABBED her hand in a HUGE motion--and screamed out, OMG, is that Dominic Monaghan? Upon hearing his name, he looked back over his shoulder, saw me smiling at him, and smiled back...but, seriously--that's a bit embarrassing. Oh well.

I just enjoy celebrities...what can I say? And I'm going to keep going to The Grove, because apparently they enjoy me, too.

Matt Damon is coming to kick your ass: "The Bourne Ultimatum"

“Fuck the CIA” seems to be a central theme of The Bourne Ultimatum – fuck them because they are powerful, they have no scruples and it’s only a matter of time before they turn on us. Of course, in an increasingly paranoid climate, Ultimatum isn’t the first movie (or, you know, newscast…) to suggest that the government is watching you – and the lengths to which they go in the film sometimes verge on patently ridiculous – but I still checked my mirror every few seconds on the ride home to make sure I wasn’t being followed.

Ultimately, though, no one is watching this movie to learn about the CIA – they’re watching to see Matt Damon be a badass and, on that count, Ultimatum doesn’t disappoint. Let’s just put it this way – I think it’s pretty safe to say that Jason Bourne would make James Bond shit his pants. Not only is the man brilliant and deadly, but he’s damn near invincible – over the course of the movie, Bourne gets tossed through the air, blown up and thrown through enough plate glass to window a large office building, and he walks away with barely a scratch. And don’t even get me started on the devastating car wrecks (let’s just say seat-belts are key) or the time he savagely beats a guy with a hardbound book before strangling him to death with his bare hands, or I might just have an orgasm.

And that’s The Bourne Ultimatum in a nutshell: If action movies were porn, it would be one long money shot. The acting is great (the supporting cast includes Albert Finney, David Strathairn, Joan Allen, Scott Glenn and the ever-lovely Julia Stiles), and the writing is smart (take note, Live Free or Die Hard) but, in the end, the ass-whooping-to-dialogue ratio is about 10:1 which, as far as I’m concerned, is right about where it should be.

So if you like living on the edge of your seat, this is a can’t-miss. If not, I hear good things about The Nanny Diaries. Pansy.

Songs that will forever remind me of this summer

Well, prerecruitment starts tomorrow morning (actually, THIS morning) at 9:30, which means that my summer is OFFICIALLY over. Now, I come from a very musical family, and I tend to mark moments in my life by the songs that I associate with them. From age 12, I can pretty much connect a song to the boy I liked at the time, or my favorite movie that I couldn't stop watching because of the soundtrack.

Therefore, in honor of this summer, I have put together a top 10 list of songs that will forever remind me of the incredible summer of 2007...in chronological order, of course.

1. The Beatles - Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band --> the song that was playing when I first got my car
2. The Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman Theme Song ...too many nights spent watching netflix?
3. Lil Mama - Lip Gloss --> oh, the two glorious weeks Brandon was here
4. Plain White T-s - Hey There Delila
5. Madonna - Open Your Heart To Me
6. Zac Efron - Ladies Choice --> mmm, Zac Efron
7. Poison - Every Rose Has Its Thorn --> Rock of Love will go down in history as the best stripper reality show EVER!
8. Mariah Carey - Hero --> SUNDAY FUNDAY!!!
9. Prince - Raspberry Barret
10. Jesse McCartney - Beautiful

An eclectic list, no doubt...but I feel like it represents the 4 times I moved this summer, as well as everything in between.

Whoops...

This is Vice President Dick Cheney (back before he sold his soul for eternal life) explaining why the first Bush administration, in which he served as Secretary of Defense, decided not to invade Iraq. Good call, Dick.

Die Hard

When I signed onto Facebook this evening, I never expected to reach the high point in my life. This video was posted on my wall by a very good friend who I now owe my life to....yippee-ki-yay mother fucker

Craziest thing I've ever seen.

This needs no introduction:

Dumb laws...always enticing...

So I was frittering away my time this evening and came across a website citing dumb laws for each state and most cities. Some are interesting, like in Glendale, CA a man with a moustache is not legally allowed to kiss a woman. Also, in Minnesota, i suppose in order to crack down on loitering, it is illegal to stand around any building without a good reason to be there. Mostly these laws are relatively humoring, but then I read the ones for Los Angeles and was apalled (well only with the first law on the list: it is illegal for a man to beat his wife with a strap no wider than two inches without her consent). At first I was upset since my sorority's philanthropy is the fight against domestic violence, but then I realized the true extent that this law encompasses. What about all those people who have sexually violent tendencies? I live with a few of them and this law is a serious danger to their sexual well-being! I guess this means that they'll have to hide thier true intentions even more....my poor roomates. Here is a list of my favorite laws that lack rationality:

1. It is illegal for a man to beat his wife with a strap wider than 2 inches without her consent. (Los Angeles, CA)
2. Citizens may not enter Wisconsin with a chicken on their head. (Minnesota)
3. All residents may be fined as a result of not owning a boat. (Hawaii)
4. It is illegal to cry on the witness stand. (Los Angeles, CA)
5. Toads may not be licked. (Los Angeles, CA)
6. No one may be arrested on Sunday or on the Fourth of July. (Ohio)
7. The penalty for jumping off a building is death. (New York)
8. In order for a pickle to officially be considered a pickle, it must bounce. (Connecticut)
9. Clowns beware! (Anchorage, Alaska)
10. A person is not eligible to become Governor if he/she has participated in a duel. (Pennsylvania)

Where have all the cowboys gone?

If I were married (oh, god, that's a frightening thought..), and had one of those "5 celebrities I'm allowed to cheat on my husband with" lists, numbers 1 & 2 on the list would definitely be Russell Crowe and Christian Bale.

Yes, they're both married with children: one has a nasty temper, one is Batman (what, Christian Bale has no flaws) -- either way, they both have amazing accents.

In their most recent picture together, "3:10 to Yuma," the two boys play an outlaw and a cop on the run. ...Does anyone else get a "Brokeback Mountain" vibe from this trailer?

....Why is it always the ones that I like? Oh well. Enjoy. I know I will.

"Crazier than a fish with titties": The Work of R. Kelly

If your only knowledge of R. Kelly comes from a Dave Chappelle skit, boy are you missing out. Sure, he may have taped himself peeing on an underage girl or two, but the man is a frigging genius of the lowest order, not to mention a sexasaurus.

In honor of the release of the first of 10 additional chapters being added to his 12-piece masterwork, "Trapped in the Closet," by the Independent Film Channel, you can watch the entire groundbreaking hip-hopera here:
http://ifc.com/static/sections/kelly/trapped.html
(Careful, though -- it's addictive. Don't say I didn't warn you.)


As a bonus, here is Cracked.com's brilliant critical analysis of R. Kelly's "The Zoo":
http://www.cracked.com/index.php?name=News&sid=2265

Enjoy.

Hooray for Jews!: "Ira & Abby"

A neurotic Jewish guy with a fear of relationships, Fred Willard AND the mom from "Who's the Boss?" It's like they made a movie just for me...

And then there were three...

You know what bugs me? ...when people bail out on a party. Tonight, we started out with a solid 6 people playing Andre Pong. Yes, we have a beer pong table and believed that we could play 3 on 3. Solid. So, we played 2 games of said "Andre Pong," which was pretty freaking amazing (I was even there to witness a close friend's first time playing a legitimate game of ANYTHING pong). So, after two rounds we lost the first. Albeit, he has work in the morning and works at a real office from 9-5, but I hadn't seen him since we won SONGFEST together, so it was sad to see him go.

Then, we played the classic game "Pretty Pretty Princess," -- everyone's favorite childhood game...but we added some classic rules to transform it into "Pretty Pretty Drunk Princess" -- and yes, there were boys playing. After this, we lost yet ANOTHER! She passed out. In fact, it was her first time getting drunk, and I was glad to be a witness (I'm a HUGE fan of this girl, and I was ecstatic to be able to be there for her...first time). One worker, and one passed out...we were now down to 4!

Yet, one of the 4 was pretty grumpy, and actually unenthusiastic, much to my dismay. ...Because, he's usually a HUGE partier, and someone that's pretty important in my life...but no, he had us walk him home at around 11:30. At which time, one guy decided to get some more booze from his car to make the walk home more interesting.

And then there were 3. Lucky 3.

In a flash of drunkenness, we decided to walk the passed out girl home and make friends along the way. In the dorms where she's an RA, we made friends with the tri-state swimming competition teams (Canada, California, and Mexico). Turns out that Mexico had lost the whole competition, but they were pretty much winning because they were hanging out with all the hot girls from the other teams (SCORE MEXICO!...I knew you were that shady). Then, California introduced us to guy with hands in his pants, who was a bit paranoid about his coach, who apparently was in the room next door. And Canada was nowhere to be found -- after winning the competition, they peaced the fuck out of our campus. FINE, Canada...we didn't want you anyway!

After making friends with Mexicans and Californians alike, we decided to go on a fountain run...now, I'm not sure if everyone knows what a fountain run is...but, sidenote: I was wearing a white dress, and still did it. The department of public safety (DPS) actually drove up and told us to go take a shower because we didn't know what was in the fountains we'd been wading in. Solid, DPS. Solid.

In the fountain, we had an epiphany. That those lame asses who had departed through the evening were not true partiers...in fact, they were not enjoying the central tendency bias of life: DRUNKENNESS. Which, apparently, I'm still enjoying. Oh, drunk fountain epiphanies...how good you are to me.

Now, we're still down to three. After exploring abandoned film equipment, stealing highway cones, and accidentally calling mother's, there's not much else to explore tonight except for sleep.

Just know...the three that remained...had an AMAZING night. (FIST PUNCH!)

Democrats are gay (friendly)

In the Uncomfortable Silences department, six of the eight Democratic candidates for president participated last Thursday in a two-hour forum on Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender issues sponsored by MTV’s LOGO Network and the Human Rights Campaign (Sen. Joe Biden and Sen. Chris Dodd were unable to attend, due to “prior engagements”).

The forum, held in Los Angeles and attended by Rex Lee from HBO’s “Entourage” and the tall chick from “The 40 Year Old Virgin,” was moderated by journalist Margaret Carlson and featured a panel made up of Jonathan Capehart of the Washington Post, HRC President Joe Solomonese and lesbian extraordinaire, Melissa Etheridge. Rather than using the traditional debate format, the organizers decided instead to pick the candidates off one by one in 15-minute segments. Needless to say, the Republican candidates all declined a similar invitation because, well, they hate gay people. Here are a few observations:

-Not to stereotype, but was this the most stylish debate so far? I think so.

-I love that whenever Barack Obama said something about the civil rights movement, the producers cut to black people. Way to be culturally sensitive, LOGO.

-John Edwards is sleazy. I don’t know if it’s the smooth Southern accent or the boyish good looks, but Edwards strikes me as the kind of guy who used to “run out of gas” a lot on dates. I guess it’s about par for the course for a personal injuries lawyer with a $400 haircut, but I had to keep looking down to make sure his hand wasn’t sneaking up MY skirt, and I don’t even wear skirts. I wear pants.

-It turns out that Dennis Kucinich is something of a god in the gay community – the panelists told him that he was “evolved” so many times I thought he was going to start moving things with his mind. He’s also really short.

-Mike Gravel hasn’t been an elected official in 26 years, which makes me wonder what in the hell suddenly possessed him to run for president. That being said, I’m glad he did because this race was in dire need of a cranky old man who wants to decriminalize drugs.

-Bill Richardson was so uncomfortable it made me sort of uncomfortable, and I was watching on my computer. My favorite part of the debate was when he told Melissa Etheridge that he thinks being gay is a choice, and she had to ask if he had understood the question because that was so clearly the wrong answer.

-I’m not a big Hillary Clinton fan but she is looking kind of sexy these days, with her coral pantsuits and low-cut tops. She better watch herself around Edwards…

All kidding aside, I’m glad that the Democrats are finally stepping up to the plate on the gay marriage issue (well, sort of – only Gravel and Kucinich actually support gay marriages, while the rest support “civil unions” with full marriage rights), rather than letting the Republicans just shove it down their throats. I’m not sure why people are so scared of gay people getting married but, then again, I’m pretty much terrified of the concept of marriage in general, so I guess I’m not really one to talk.

The debate airs again Monday at 7 on Logo, and you can watch it in full here: http://visiblevote08.logoonline.com/2007/08/10/video-the-presidential-forum/


Sources: http://www.nytimes.com/cq/2007/08/10/cq_3261.html

Worst pick up lines I've ever heard...

So, in my attempt to get a life, we decided to go out to a bar tonight. Now, I'm in no way inclined to think of myself as a "hot," but ... would it kill guys to think of better pick up lines? Honestly, tonight the best one I heard was:

"Yo, this is my neighbor. He's a professional BADASS!" (I heard he's getting business cards made).

Then the second one probably couldn't even speak English, so he just grabbed my hand and refused to let me walk past him for a few fleeting seconds.

Therefore, I have decided to make a TOP 5 WORST PICK UP LINES list (thank you Rob Gordon for helping me come up with lists at all times....sorry I couldn't think of sleaziest pick up songs, that may be for a different--more sober--evening).
1. Did it hurt? ...When you fell from heaven?
---hey, dude, you were on the ugly tree and hit every fucking branch on the way down, so stop hitting on me...k?
2. Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?
---yes, because calling me a whore will DEFINITELY make me want to do you! good job, friend!
3. I may not be the best looking guy here, but I'm the only one talking to you.
---that may be true...but probably because you're scaring all the better looking ones away.
4. Bond. James Bond.
---I know that's not you're name, and you're just not as good as Sean Connery. In fact, I'd probably take him at his present age before I'd even consider sleeping with you...GOODBYE!
5. Your place or mine?
---CLASSY.

Just for the record: "Hi" works pretty damn well and probably won't piss me off enough to write about.

30 Days of Night: What I did with my summer vacation...

So, this summer I decided to give the professional film industry a go and intern at Mandate/Ghost House Pictures, a medium sized, self financed production company. Sweet, right? I had afternoon hours, 2-7, a full day of reading scripts for films that were already in post-production (they really trusted our judgment, right?). Anyway, one of my favorites was for "30 Days of Night" which comes out in October -- what can I say, I have a thing for vampires...I blame it on a childhood of idolizing Buffy.



Now, this is by no means the kind of film that I'd enjoy (minus the vampire fetish). In fact, reading the script for this film in particular made me want to claw my eyes out, and then laugh at it's 90 page finish. And this is the industry I want to break into...yippee! Oh well, at least it's good to see that Josh Hartnett is still getting work (cue my boss's snide comment about my poor taste in men).

"Slacker Cats": A new low in family television

So, I was watching the football classic, “Little Giants” today (by the way, why does TV Guide list the stars of this movie as Rick Moranis and Ed O’Neill when the stars are clearly the Icebox – who, incidentally, has grown into quite the young woman, according to Google Images – Devon Sawa, and that little nerdy kid that blows snot bubbles?) when I was caught off guard by a commercial for ABC Family’s new show, “Slacker Cats.”

Billed as "an outrageous and decidely grown up series about a group of cats and the humans from whom they free-load," the show features felines who drink heavily, make sexual innuendoes and generally "violate all standards of public decency." According to Reuters, reference is made to "faking purrs, mind-altering drugs, 'kitty' porn and credit card theft," all within the first 15 minutes of the premiere episode, which airs Monday at 10 pm.

Now, in the interest of full disclosure, I think "Slacker Cats" sounds pretty awesome, but what the hell, ABC Family? I know the show is meant to air after bedtime but let's be honest -- what self-respecting adult (besides myself) sits around watching your network? Not that I have any problem with corrupting the minds of small children, but is this really what families in this country have come to -- pets with dirty mouths and a taste for tequila?

God, I hope so. Watch it!


Sources: http://a51.abcfamily.go.com/shows/slackercats/AboutTheShow/index.html
http://blogs.reuters.com/2007/08/08/slacker-cats-shake-up-disney-image/

Fact of the Day: If you don't read The Scale of Death!!!!!!!, the terrorists win.

That is all.

Tom Tancredo is an idiot

Last month, Rep. Tom Tancredo, a Colorado congressman and Republican presidential hopeful, remarked on an Orlando, FL radio show that if nuclear weapons were set off in the United States by Islamic fundamentalists, we could respond by "taking out their holy sites" like Mecca.

Now, I'm sure that if nuclear weapons were set off in the United States, the reaction would be swift and destructive, but Tancredo's statement (which, according to CNN.com, was quickly dismissed by the State Department as "reprehensible" and "absolutely crazy") is like telling your girlfriend that she could stand to lose some weight – it’s just one of those things you don’t say out loud because no good could possibly come of it.

In fact, I’m not sure which is my favorite part of the story's epilogue, Tancredo’s assertion that he was just “throwing out some ideas” (I have an idea too, and it involves Tom Tancredo not spouting reactionary nonsense) or senior Tancredo adviser Bay Buchanan's declaration that “this shows them that we mean business.” No, Ms. Buchanan, this is a stupid, idle threat – finding Osama Bin Laden would show them that we mean business. When did we start trying to out-crazy the crazies?

I suppose it's about what we should expect from a presidential candidate whose platform is built primarily on kicking immigrants out of the country, but I'm just having a little trouble believing that anyone in their right mind would actually consider voting for this clown. Or, at least, I WISH that I had trouble believing that...

God bless America, indeed. We could use the help.

Sources:
http://politicalticker.blogs.cnn.com/2007/08/04/tancredo-bomb-muslim-holy-sites-first/
http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,162795,00.html

Happy birthday to me

I turn 22 today, and it's the first birthday that I don't really care about. I'm not upset or anything -- I'm obviously not worried about being old and, even though I haven't really accomplished any of the things I had planned to by this age (like being a rock star or writing a well-received novel), I feel like I still have time (though considerably less than I did a year ago). It's just that 22 doesn't really mean anything to me. Think about it: Every year until you turn 21, your birthday is a step toward a goal, like having pubic hair or being able to drink legally. Now, the biggest milestone in my near future is being able to rent a car without having to pay a special fee. Hoorah!
Maybe it's just me, but I can't help thinking that, from here on out, every birthday is just another step toward the grave. And, while I'm sure I still have plenty of steps to go (unless God strikes me down for making fun of Mother Theresa), there's something kind of sad about that.
So, I think I'll skip the big celebrations and just lay low for this one -- maybe sit back, watch a movie, and think about the future. Or maybe I'll get cracking on that novel -- after all, you never know when the Big Guy is going to get around to checking out your blog...

I'm pretty sure this is why movies were invented

You have won my heart once again, Ryan Gosling.

5 Things That Make Me Feel Bad About Myself

1. Reality Television -- Why can't I stop watching this shit? I know it's bad for me -- I can actually FEEL my IQ drop a few points every time Bret Michaels expounds on the spiritual needs of rock stars (incidentally, did you know that "Every Rose Has Its Thorn" was written in a Dallas laundromat about a stripper? Wikipedia, bitches!) or one of the meatheads from "The Real World" swears that he's not going to cheat on his girlfriend with the half-naked chick draped across his lap in the hot tub (of course you're going to cheat on your girlfriend, you're on "The Real World" and it's in your contract. Fine print, bitches!) -- and yet I cannot bring myself to look away. Same goes for any list show on VH1 where they get a bunch of second-rate comedians and washed-up rock stars to make snide comments about the 70's, 80's or 90's -- leave that to the professionals, Mark McGrath from Sugar Ray.

2. Taboo -- I don't care what anyone says about a bunch of people sitting in a circle and yelling at each other being a "bonding" experience, any game that comes with a giant buzzer you're supposed to use on people when they make a mistake is intended to make you feel bad about yourself. So I used "weather" to describe "equator," at least I'm not ugly. That's right...I called you ugly.

3. Peer Pressure -- Yes, you ARE much cooler than I am, drunk/high/naked friend. Now go fuck yourself.

4. Internet Dating -- Getting rejected in person is bad enough, but getting rejected by a bunch of people you've never even met is just plain embarrassing. What, you're desperate enough to spend your night filling out a compatibility profile, but not enough to let me buy you dinner? Excuse me while I cry myself to sleep.

5. Chocolate milk -- Actually, chocolate milk makes me feel great about myself. I just wanted to end on a high note.

Scale of Death!!!!!!: Week of August 6-12

THE SCALE OF DEATH!!!!!!

0. Mother Theresa

MILF Alert: 12 o'clock

1. Martin Luther King, Jr.

I have a dream, too. It involves Jennifer Aniston, Angelina Jolie and a big tub of jell-o. Fuck you, Brad Pitt.

2. Bono

What kind of name is Bono, anyway?

3. Scott Baio

Scott Baio is 45 and single. And totally fucking useless. Don't forget useless.

4. Napoleon

Little known fact: Napoleon's favorite movie was "Office Space".

5. Lindsay Lohan

Hey, Lindsay, I think I can see your vagina. You should really put that away, it's scaring Napoleon.

6. George W. Bush

George W. Bush: Dick, this is not a democracy, it's a cheerocracy. I'm sorry, but I'm overruling you.
Dick Cheney: You are being a cheer-tator, George, and a pain in my ass!

7. Ted Bundy

Gray skies are gonna clear up, PUT ON A HAPPY FACE.
Brush off the clouds and cheer up, PUT ON A HAPPY FACE.
Take off the gloomy masks of tragedy, it's not your style;
you'll look so good that you'll be glad ya' decided to smile!

8. Darth Vader

Jenn: I wish I had a Death Star.
Andrew: I've got your Death Star right here (points to crotch).
Yeahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

9. Martha Stewart

Martha and Hitler sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G

10. Hitler

Hey Hitler, nice mustache. Asshole.

On the bubble: Jesus, Paris Hilton, Gandhi, the lady from the birth control commercials, your Mom, Bret Michaels, John Wayne Gacy, Flavor Flav, Bunnicula, Kimmy Gibler, Kramer, Vaginal infections, Osama Bin Laden, Michael Jackson