Wrong Answer

I’m sure that everyone expects me to make fun of Lauren Caitlin Upton (a.k.a. Miss South Carolina) who, in response to a question about why 1/5 of Americans can’t point out their own country on a map at the Miss Teen USA pageant on Friday, gave a rambling, confused non-answer that inexplicably linked the American educational system and South Africa. I’m NOT going to make fun of her, though, for two reasons: First, because every blogger and talk radio host in this country already has (mercilessly) and, second, because she never did anything, as far as I can tell, to deserve being picked on.

Look, I have no problem making fun of politicians who give the cameras big, empty smiles on their way to the soulless middle ground or self-involved celebrities who contribute less than nothing to society, yet somehow manage to profit off of their own notoriety, but this is just a teenage girl in a beauty pageant. And yes, I know that she put herself on that stage, but come on – this was probably the biggest thing that will ever happen to her, and she blew it (on national television, no less). Have some compassion.

I will, however, make fun of the people who really deserve it here. For starters, her parents, who were clearly more concerned with their daughter showing all of her teeth when she smiles than learning actual skills she can use after her pageant career is finished (tomorrow). Or all the losers who, in the past few days, have boldly (and anonymously) declared in countless chat-rooms that they will teach her to read a map if they can see her boobs, despite the fact that they have never seen an actual breast and never will as long they continue to live in their parents’ basements. Or Mario Lopez, who has been reduced to hosting the Miss Teen USA pageant (sorry, Slater). And – while I can’t bring myself to believe that this country won't pony up enough money to teach its children to point to their house on an atlas when it spends billions of dollars forcing its will on the rest of the world – if the 1/5 of Americans thing is true, that’s pretty fucking sad too.

So let’s lay off the blonde jokes and take this for what it is – a sad commentary on the direction in which we, as Americans, are headed. Especially Slater.

P.S. Lauren, if you want to thank me personally for defending you, my email is andrew.migdail@gmail.com. Hit me up, girl.



Sources: http://www.tmz.com/2007/08/27/miss-teen-usa-hopeful-say-what