Only a bit sad

You know what's sad? ...when you've spent a month working on a song that describes your state of mind, and then you hear one that describes it so much better than you ever could.

My best friend recently burned a CD for me of a new broadway show in previews called, "I Love You Because" My favorite song in the entire show is called, "Alone" and it truly describes my state of mind for the past...I'd say 7 years (no...seriously).

Lyrics, go:

DIANE
Remember that night when I met you, when you both hung out here in the bar?
I said to my friend there I bet you, those two they won't make it very far!
He couldn't discuss any topic...he could've chosen: baseball, football, croquet.
So why'd he have to choose her?
What a lame, pathetic loser.
You don't need him anyway!

Alone you are better off--trust me it's true!
You don't need him there to always care about every little thing that you do.
Alone means that your life plans aren't always set in stone.
Trust me! --you're better off alone...right?

MARCIE
Yeah...Sure!

JEFF
Hey, you ready to go?

DIANE
This is my friend...uhh...Marcie. She's rediscovering single hood!

JEFF
WELCOME BACK! Maybe one night you were thinking, I'll stay in and give nichi a stab. Then again...I could just go out drinking until I puke in the back of a cab!

DIANE
People would say Marcie that's stupid..you are better than that!

JEFF
But hey! --now his opinion doesn't matter, go ahead and do the latter! You don't need him anyway! Alone you do want never what he wants instead--

MARCIE
Not up each night in a stupid fight--when the two of us should both be in bed.

JEFF and DIANE
Alone means you never swoon at the smell of his cologne...Cause that's just stupid...You're better off alone, right?

MARCIE
Yeah...stupid Old Spice!

DIANE
Alright? We're going to get going...good luck!

JEFF
Well, we work in a bar...We're pretty much therapists who ENCOURAGE you to drink!

MARCIE
One day I might land a meeting with a man who takes photos in France. I don't need someone begging and pleading, "Honey, stay and give our love a chance!" I'll go wherever I want to--I won't stay where I don't want to stay. I'll leave tomorrow or whenever, and I might just stay forever--I don't need him anyway!

Alone means I'll never be so blinded by romance. I can act on a whim, not have to check with him...like six or seven months in advance. Alone means I'm never hurt; this is what this night has shown. I think it's clear to see...I'm better off alone.

I need him anyway. More than any man I've ever known...Feeling hurt with him is better than feeling free alone.

God damned musicals. How true you are.

One day soon I will write an upbeat entry...I promise! --and have nothing to do with the male species WHAT SO EVER.

Must have blue eyes and love Star Wars

Let me start off this ever depressing rant with a little anecdote. The other night at an obscenely late hour where NO person should still be awake (except for maybe vampires), my best friend and I were gossiping about our lives (typical), and she told me that our friend [Nick] told her this:

"Did you ever notice how [Mary] is always awkward around me? ...I think it's because gay men are the only people that she can't seduce."

(the names of those parties involved have been changed to protect them...and me, cause...i was gossiping about them)

Then I had this marvelous epiphany about my own love life. My life is just like that -- but the opposite. I'm only awkward around those people that I could possibly seduce--that's why I always end up being in love with unavailable guys. Seriously, lets list it out: gay, 10 years too old for me (30 years, what what!), emotionally unavailable, still in love with their ex, living in a different country, spanish catholic/from an anti-semitic family...the list goes on.

My little sister has had this ridiculous list of requirements that her future has to have (she came up with it when she was about 6 years old). You know, like...he has to be older than me, taller than me, wealthy, want kids, blond hair, no curly hair, etc, etc. I always made fun of her for it, naturally, but now I'm starting to think that maybe if I had a list I could avoid the unavailable ones...Who knows?

So--I spent many a day thinking about my own personal requirements and kept digging myself a more and more ridiculous hole. After going to see The Jane Austen Book Club I realized that I only have to requirements:

1. Must have blue eyes
2. Must love Star Wars

And I'm going to ignore the fact that both of those requirements are present in my own father....maybe I should add a third requirement...Jewish? Have an accent? Oh well, I'll work on it. Anyway, here's my ideal man--too bad he's also unavailable (he's just a fictional character...sad times) Anyone out there in real life like this one? ...Bueller?

Pick Up Your Dancing Shoes!

Nothing to say, particularly, except that he's DREAMY. This album, "Call Me Irresponsible" is definitely his finest, and this happens to be my favorite song. I'd dance ANY day with Michael Buble. Enjoy!

Mad Props: A Tale of The Pickup Artist

Tonight I decided to give myself a night in. I've been spreading myself pretty thin--going out ever night, plus work and class all day long (who has a group project due the third week of classes?).

After seeing the delightful December Boys (which I'll probably talk about later, because...who doesn't want to watch D.Rad have sex on screen...ummm, I do! I do!) Anyway, I came home to curl up in front of some crappy VH1 celebreality and was sorely disappointed to find out that "The Pickup Artist" was on. Now, I love celebreality more than the average person (that MAY be an understatement), but "The Pickup Artist" is not my favorite. I'd only seen it once before tonight, and any show that's hosted by a guy named Mystery is just not alright with me.

Despite my hesitation, I decided to give it a go...they were down to the final three (also, what else is worth watching at midnight on a Thursday night...not much). I immediately developed an attachment to Joe D--a slightly awkward, slightly chubby, awkwardly bleached teddy bear...who just couldn't possibly ever get any game (according to Mystery's definition) cause he's just too nice. The other two, Kosmo and Brady I'd say are at equal medium sleaze levels.

And the goal of tonight's challenge couldn't possibly be any sleazier (or maybe it could..I might just have to watch the finale). Mission: pick up an exotic dancer at a strip club. ...Seriously. Like I had predicted, Joe D. couldn't handle throwing around "playful negs" as Mystery calls them (ex. a girl sits down next to Brady and he says, "Where are all the cute chicks tonight? ...I thought Tuesday was supposed to be a busy day here.") -- If you ask me, it didn't sound too playful, but Brady was the only one who ended up hooking up with an exotic dancer, so I guess it works...for that type of girl (yeah, he brought her out to the limo and the camera had to cut away...you go, Brady!) In fact, Mystery went as far as to say, "MAD PROPS! That's how you pick up an exotic dancer!" ...Obviously Mystery has had MUCH experience in that realm.

In the sad, sad conclusion Joe D. ended up going home. Sad, too--cause he was definitely my favorite. Although, because Mystery's goal is to turn the "Master Pickup Artist" into a master douchebag, I'm glad Joe D. got out when he did. Best of luck to you, Joe!

At the end of the night, I don't know how they did it, but I'm getting pretty excited to watch the finale on Monday. Damn it, celebreality--you've won again! Maybe I'll learn, and next time: I'll go out with my friends.

Censorship my a**!

Last night the telecast of the 39th annual Emmy's aired. Now, I'm a big TV person...in fact, I'm pretty sure I'm one of the only people in the nation who is proud of having watched almost every single one of the shows nominated. (it's a talent, what can I say?).

The show aired on FOX, so naturally I thought we were in for a wild/slightly unprofessional evening (I mean, if Ryan Seacrest is hosting...you know you're in for quite the night). Boy, was I right. The show started off with FOX shamelessly promoting one of its own shows with a musical number by Brian and Stewie Griffin (from Family Guy), along with a hysterical outburst from Jon Stewart and Steven Colbert calling Steve Carrell to accept the Emmy for a missing Ricky Gervais, a win for Al Gore in the "interactive category" (whatever that may be...the man now has an Oscar winning movie, and is responsible for a new category at the Emmys), and starring Jeremy Piven as the butt of every joke...but what annoyed me more than Ryan Seacrest running out in a Mariachi outfit was the constant censorship that accompanied this years awards show.

I understand that sometimes when an overexcited star wins an award, they may blurt out an explotive that may need to be bleeped (aka Katherine Heigl's "holy sh*t" accompanied by, "my mom told me that I didn't have a chance in hell at winning tonight), but what about an entire segment? Apparently the tribute to the Sopranos had to be completely cut to commercial, and only those who attended the Emmys this year truly know why. Is it so wrong as a loyal fan of The Sopranos that I wanted to hear what James Gandolfini and a completely overlooked Edie Falco had to say about their seven season run on HBO? ...I don't think so! Let me hear them, and let them be heard. And if Sally Fields wants to say "goddamned" on live television at 10 pm when her show is already almost soft core porn...don't you think she should be able to?

At least the show didn't censor these amazing moments of the evening:
1. Ryan Seacrest telling Hayden Penetierre that they sat Jeremy Piven on the opposite side of the auditorium because she just turned 18.
2. TR jumping out of his seat to hug and kiss his favorite hag, and new Emmy winner, Katherine Heigl.
3. Brad Garrett telling some scantily clad actress that she just made Charlie Sheen's "to do list"
4. Steven Colbert coming onstage with a leaf blower that was powered by "Al Gore's tears"
5. Terry O'Quinn's rightfully deserved win for best supporting actor in a drama series, and then thanking a teary eyed Michael Emerson, and then commenting on how he'd like to live on Wisteria Lane...and maybe get one of their checks (gotta love those losties)
6. A sing off between Kanye West and Rainn Wilson to "the songs of Kanye West"
7. A stellar duet between Christina Aguilera and Tony Bennett
8. James Spader saying he felt like he just robbed the mob after winning over James Gandolfini for best actor in a drama series.
9. Elaine Stritch being a DRUNKEN fool, and almost flashing the camera.
10. Tony Bennett winning 3 Emmys and looking suprised EVERY single time.

All in all, it was a fantastic evening...but, stop f***ing censoring everyone, FOX!

L'Shana Tova!

Happy New Year!

I'm off to temple in Calabasas for the day...Then going to see Ira&Abby tomorrow. Yay, Jews!

American Gladiators: The Next Generation

I was pretty excited last year when ESPN Classic decided to start showing old episodes of "American Gladiators", so you can only imagine my reaction when I heard that NBC is gearing up to air a retooled incarnation of the show that, as far as I'm concerned, redefined the word "awesome" (hint: I may have peed myself a little).

According to Variety, the new "Gladiators" will be more like the original U.K. version, "which focused even more on the characters and the behind-the-scenes stories of common folk going up against the show's powerful stars." This time around, "players will be given the opportunity to train for their match -- and viewers will be given a glimpse of their personalities prior to the [competition]."

Now, I spent a good part of my childhood ducking behind couches in my buddy's basement while he chucked tennis balls at me (in an attempt to recreate our favorite event, "Assault"), so I have a certain emotional investment in the success of this show. That being said, it seems to me that NBC has the right idea in trying to find a new angle because there is no way that you could recapture the early-90's greatness of "American Gladiators." In fact, I'm pretty sure that show was proof of a higher power because only God could have created such a perfect confluence of mullets, nerf and disturbingly muscular women (except for Lace, who managed to be both a warrior and a lady).

No matter how good or bad the show is, though, there will always be a place on my TiVo for people beating the crap out of each other, and a place in my heart for "American Gladiators," so I'll be watching. Hell, I might even audition. Better break out the spandex...

Source: http://www.variety.com/article/VR1117970702.html?categoryid=14&cs=1

As a bonus, here's a video of one of my favorite gladiators, Malibu, talking about the restorative powers of the sun. Enjoy!

So many exciting things, so little time!

Yes, I've been completely MIA for the past week -- but that is because so many exciting things are happening in the life of Charlotte Lewis.

First, recruitment is finally over. We have an amazing class of new girls who I absolutely love (...and have already started partying with!). But, they're definitely keeping my hands full--not that I mind!

Second, class and work may be legitimately taking over my life...BUT, it led me to meet one of my idols: Josh Schwartz. Yes, at my television symposium none other than Josh Schwartz was the guest lecturer to promote his new shows Gossip Girl and Chuck. Both of which I'm definitely going to watch. Now, Gossip Girl may be so bad that it's good (take Dawson's Creek, One Tree Hill, and the OC and add a little more cheesy soap opera to it...and then you get Gossip Girl), but with Kristen Bell as the narrator and the lovely Penn Badgley starring...you know I'm going to never miss an episode. Also, Chuck was truly entertaining. Take a show like The Office and put it into an ALIAS type spy drama and you get Chuck. Chuck may seem like an ordinary nerd...working at a Best Buy on their technical team...until one day his old college roommate (who happens to be a CIA agent) sends Chuck an email filled with government secrets that imprint themselves onto Chuck's mind...making him invaluable to both the NSA and CIA. Ridiculous, right? Ridiculously AMAZING--that's what I have to say.

Also, Josh Schwartz completely fulfilled my expectations. If his girlfriend weren't so amazingly beautiful I would have stepped in that evening to try and steal him away (damn him, he has his own Summer). But just to give you a feel for the guy's sense of humor, to the question "How do you feel about shows like Laguna Beach, The Hills, and The Real OC ripping off your show?" he replied, "I KNOW, RIGHT? ...where's my check?" I spent a good portion of the lecture in hysterical laughter and with my friends turning to me saying, "OMG, he's your ideal man." ...Also, he's taller than me (SCORE!)

Now, my sorority little sis and grandlittle sis both work for Trojan Vision...a USC owned tv station that actually gets some airplay, and they have their own show. They informed me that they're going to bring Josh Schwartz onto their show, and have me come as well! SCORE!!!...maybe my seduction can finally begin (bring a little Anna into this competition). And, they want me to be a guest blogger for their show's blog and then maybe have me on the show to promote "Scale of Death" -- so how cool is that?

Blogging + Josh Schwartz ... it could be my lucky break!

Well, with that said..this means that I'm going to actually have to blog every day (GASP! -- I know you're excited).

There is more in my life...but perhaps I'll save that for later in the week. Wish me luck in making time for...well...a life.

My reputation precedes me!

So tonight I was informed that during Greek Week this year, one day will be a "World Series of Pop Culture" with each of the houses pairing up and competing.... and I was chosen to be my house's representative!

WOOHOO!

A dream come true. This will be my training for next year's World Series of Pop Culture, which my friends and I are planning on putting a team together for.

This shall be my greatest triumph. I just like that no one asked me; I was told that I was to be the house's representative because ... well, I just KNOW. In fact, yesterday (as a morale booster), we put out paper bags for people to write "I appreciate you.." statements into. I received one that said, "I love how your obsession with television and movies makes me care which celebrity baby is the cutest." Haha, what a compliment.

Hopefully my knowledge will serve me well in a few weeks!

"C" is for...

Tonight I watched a most disturbing movie called London. Now, I'm not really sure why I watched it...because I'm still depressed and I watched it about 2 hours ago. But anyway, the jyst of the story is that Chris Evans found out that Jessica Biel (his girlfriend) was cheating on him on their two year anniversary...therefore, they break up. The movie takes place 6 months past their break-up, and the poor guy is still pining away for her, even though she's clearly moved on..and is in fact moving out of the country (without telling him, no less). ...Whatever, Jessica Biel is a slut no matter what. Anyway, the movie takes place at her going away party where Chris Evans and his drug dealer have a coke party in the bathroom because he's too much of a coward to face talking to her (apparently he let things slide for two months and is scared shitless to talk her).

This scene happens to be one of my favorites. Not that this is a quality movie, by any means, but simply because it's so amazingly ridiculous. I can never get back that hour and a half of my life, but at least I feel better about my own (minus the horrible depressed feeling that followed the end of the film where she leaves to go live with her new boyfriend):



Why, god, why did I watch this movie? I don't know...I'm blaming it on Neosha. But anything where the "c" word is used at every possible moment (a word so offensive that it took me until this year to even be able to say it), is something that is going to leave an impression...that's for sure.

So, Chris Evans: get over it, Jessica Biel: you're a slut, and Jason Stathaim: you're one crazy guy. All in all...I believe it was an evening well spent (or it will at least be well remembered).

Please, Don't Mess This Up!

After 4 years of painfully waiting through a quickie Vegas wedding,a disastrously tacky marriage to a backup dancer, two children, an affair with the manny, divorce, partying with Paris Hilton, a mental breakdown, and then rehab -- it looks as if Britney may FINALLY be getting her shit back together.

No, seriously!

Her song, "Gimme More," has been getting rave reviews. After debuting on the radio on Thursday afternoon, by Friday morning it was the most circulated song on the radio and #80 on the pop charts. ...and I may have a copy of it on my itunes, and I haven't stopped shaking my ass to it all damn week! --it's addicting.

Not only this, but my girl Brit has actually been showing up to her scheduled venues to promote the record! Last night she made an appearance at LAX and she's scheduled to make a "suprise" appearance at the VMAs this Sunday--which is apparently why she's being galavanting all over town with creepy magician, Criss Angel (here's to hoping this performance is as good as her 2000 "Satisfaction/Oops...I Did It Again" striptease!). And fun fact about Criss Angel: he got his start doing magic tricks for me and my sister in our backyard when we were about 7 and 10 years old respectively (why couldn't my dad have managed him when he was going to become famous?)

Anyway, Britney, if you're out there and happen to stumble upon the scale of death...please, know that I'm here WATCHING YOU! And I've been waiting too long for you to disappoint me again. This is the final chance; if you blow it, I'm gone. I think I may be your only fan at this point in time, but I have faith in you!

Now that I've said this, she'll probably end up back in rehab or married to another loser next week, but here's to hoping. Cheers.